Every Day, A New Song

Anonymous asked: are you planning to go see 'the beatles: the lost concert' film?

If it’s playing anywhere near me I will most definitely

Woah…

Every inch of the writer’s block wall came tumbling down tonight
Lots of new material
Things will be posted
I may or may not be working on a home-demo of acoustic and semi-acoustic material
Some happy songs
Some sad songs
Some angry songs
But they’re all real and that’s what matters
We’ll see what happens.

Last night I had a dream….

I had a dream that my therapist told me I should have a big get-together with everyone who has ever been important to me, whether I was on good terms with them or bad terms with them. 

The purpose of this was for me to confront everyone that’s ever made a big impact on my life about my diagnosis.

For those of you who do not know, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and High Anxiety Disorder about 3 months ago.

It has been a very long and strenuous journey so far, but I’m doing the absolute best I can to get better

Anyway, back to the dream

I sent out invitations to people all the way back to my earliest of memories.

People I’ve loved, people I’ve lost, people I still have, people that love me

In my dream my grandpa had a gigantic house with an Olympic sized pool, a huge tree house, and a jungle gym in his back yard.

Obviously this is where the get-together was held

My family hired a DJ, which I ended up hating and telling him to go home, and most everyone I invited showed up

But none of them really seemed like their normal selves

and there were 3 people missing that I was CERTAIN would be there no matter what

But they were nowhere to be seen

In the dream I tried calling them over and over to say to them “Why aren’t you here? I need you! I need your support more than ever!”

But every missing person ignored me

In this moment I broke down weeping

I was surrounded by people I’ve known for years and not one of them came by my side to help me

Nobody came to give me a hug and say “Hey, it’s gonna be alright”

Everyone kept along their way, mingling and all the while continuing to be strangely vacant

These ghosts of the people I’ve had in my life flowed over and around me, not caring, seamlessly coming and going across my grandpa’s yard, until I was alone.

Just sitting in the massive mess that was left behind

I didn’t connect with any of them

The only person I interacted with that acknowledged my presence was the DJ, and I was rude to him

He argued with me “No, no I know what songs to play trust me!”

And I argued back “No you don’t I hate this song, you don’t know what you’re doing!”

This went on for a few minutes and finally he said calmly “Fine! Have it your way. See what happens when you don’t have my music to help you. Here’s my card if you need me”

After he left I felt accomplished

Kind of like a “Yeah. That’s right. This is my gathering and I call the shots”

but after he left is when I started noticing that things were off

That nothing seemed quite right with everyone

When I woke up I chalked it up to this new medicine I’ve been taking to help me sleep, seeing as it can give you strange dreams.

But now that I’m looking back on it I see everything so vividly

Those people that were ghostly, shells of themselves even, were people that have come and gone in my life and while they still exist, they aren’t meant to be a major part of what’s happening with me through this struggle

The people that didn’t show up that I was certain would, the ones I can ALWAYS count on, the ones that nothing would stand in the way of them helping me, I think represent the fact that through this I cannot depend on people alone for everything.

Yes, I love them. And yes, they love me. But, ultimately there is only one person that can help me defeat this illness.

God.

The DJ at the party.

All He wanted was to help me. To provide the safety net. To be the backbone of everything.

And I turned Him away.

“I can support this all on my own!” I said. “I don’t need some DJ with his music holding everything together! I’ve got these people here and that’s all I need”

And yet, He was gracious enough to give me His card so I knew how to reach Him if I changed my mind.

Now, I’m not saying that I’ve turned God away, but I am saying that I put too much stock in and weight on the people in my life through this and not enough onto God’s shoulders.

If I’m ever going to beat this.

REALLY beat this

I have to give it up, wholly, to Him

I could be reading too much into the dream I had, but I think maybe God was trying to remind me of something I’ve known all along

Maybe

I wish

I wish I could make this go away just like that and make you proud of how quickly I beat this
I wish you cared a little bit more
I wish it was easier to sleep at night
I wish I could do everything over
But I know everything happens for a reason
So I’m going to continue on my way on the path He’s set before me
My therapist said he was amazed by me today in our session
He doesn’t know how good that made me feel